Subjective Objectivity – The Blog of The Reasonable Man

August 18, 2011

It’s Posh Girls* Holding Pieces of Paper Day!

Filed under: Uncategorized — mikeshotgun @ 12:53 pm

Author’s note: My use of the word “posh” is very wide ranging. What I truly mean is “girls from an advantaged position in the prevailing socio-economic heirachy”. I hope you will forgive my shorthand.

Well, the holidays are upon us once again dear reader. Just last week the Narrative was that the Youth of Today were a bunch of feral scumbags set on burning and looting everything they could see. Now they’re having trouble accessing a website. Sunrise, sunset.

How best to mark the occasion than with a plethora of pictures of girls of varying degrees of poshness holding pieces of paper? The Guardian leads off with this instant classic:

 A-level students from Badminton school in Bristol

Jumping in the air, screaming or cheering or whatever and not one foot touching the ground. Most years with a picture of this calibre, you could go home right now, but we’re just getting started friends.

The next picture doing the round is a timeless example of posh girls holding pieces of paper:

 Ellie Atkinson, Grace Carroll and Alison Coxon are overjoyed as they open their envelopes at Withington Girls School in Manchester

Perfect. All the girls are looking at the pieces of paper, and we have representatives from all colours of hair. Note the varying widths of open mouths too. Clearly they have spotted something on these pieces of paper that they are holding that has pleased them. Either that or they are overcome with some sort of palsy of the jaw, but a solid entrant nonetheless.

The Guardian, alas, has been somewhat self-aware this year, and actually posted pictures containing boys! Breaking the spirit of the holiday you say? Think again:

18 Year Old Twins Stuart And Matthew Waugh open their A-level Results

Here’s a couple of posh boys holding pieces of paper. Notice anything? That’s right – the Twins Exception. That’s right, an immediate genetic link between the people holding paper will make it legitimate for there to be pictures of dudes there. Don’t believe me? Here’s the other early picture featuring boys:

A-level results twins

Jumping, shadows, pieces of paper, but each individual in there shares a common ancestry and birthdate my friends. That’s right. The Twins exception.

 It has a broader application too:

A-level results 2011 Olivia and Hannah Singh

What’s that? Ethnic diversity? Perhaps we have advanced as a society… not really! These guys are twins too. Holding a piece of paper isn’t enough for some sections of society (indeed, traditionally, not having blonde hair was a bar to entry). If you’re a minority, you’re out of luck unless you share a womb or a picture with white girls at a ratio of 2:1.

But enough twins, let’s see some solo action shots:

Alison Coxon's reaction is clear as she opened her results revealing five A* grades at A-level

A-level results

Seasoned observers of the holiday will be able to discern which of these girls is the posher, but I offer the greener reader my own personal take:

  • The size of the open mouth is key here. The larger the posher.
  • Note the two stances. While the fist in the air was viewed unfavourably in the 70s, the “Tim Henman” as it is known has been the staple solo shot. Contrast this with the second girl’s attempt to imitate a bird in flight (an African swallow, I believe). Formerly in vogue in the 50s, it is now considered vulgar.
  • Posh girls don’t wear cut-off jeans without tights underneath.

What fun!

But now, the money shot. A picture of posh girls, all holding pieces of paper, all of whom have gotten into Oxbridge:

Essex girls:

Note that unlike most full body group pictures, these girls aren’t jumping in the air – that’s just level of calibre that Oxbridge are looking for.

Also, remember the ethnic minority ratio rule I mentioned earlier? Check out the three girls on the left.

QED motherfuckers.

Finally, Hugz!:

Abbi McKenna and Rebecca Livesey celebrate their A grades in Manchester Danielle Eddington is congratulated by a friend as she picks up her exam results from Chelmsford County High School For Girls in Essex

Cross-posted at Something Quotable

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